Learn How to Mindfully Navigate Your Child’s Age Stages

Molly Holmes, LMFT Author

Dec 16, 2021 |

The Mindful Attachment Parenting approach is the best MAP for building a secure bond and optimally supporting your child’s development.

Why is understanding your child’s psychosocial development important?

Because if you know what is typical and what your children are learning in each stage of development—then you can mindfully support their optimal growth (and your mommy sanity). And you can help them to resolve the polarities inherent in each age stage so that they can grow up and thrive. The polarities are extremes, with the goal being to find a healthy balance between them. When that does not happen, a level of arrested development can result until it is resolved. Making meaning out of your child’s triumphs and tribulations as they grow, helps prevent this. Rather than being preoccupied with anxious feelings about what is going on, you will have “aha” moments instead. And this short guide, based on Erik Erickson’s age stages from a Mindful Attachment Parenting perspective—is your MAP for easier navigation!

The Zen Mommy MAP mindfulness exercises are like a tuning fork for being able to be responsive rather than reactive

Because they will first and foremost assist you in tuning in and being aware and present with yourself. Whatever is unresolved in your consciousness at each age stage you went through, will most likely come forward when your child is going through that stage. This is especially true if it is a same sex child because we tend to project more onto a little one we could potentially see as a “mini-me.” Sometimes it is difficult to remember that our children are separate selves with their own thoughts, feelings and life lessons. However, practicing mindfulness will help you see what is happening in the present, while the spiral of healing unfolds. Then, you can see any unfinished business from your own childhood from a higher vantage point—when you get triggered—rather than unconsciously passing it on.

You are your baby’s first relationship, which sets the stage for all future relationships

Stage one is birth to 18 months of age with the polarities being trust vs. mistrust. And the successful resolution is Hope or Optimism. Essentially, infants are learning whether they can trust their caregivers to attune to their needs or not. This includes basic needs for survival as well as responsiveness to cues for soothing and connection. And because babies are dependent, they will develop a sense of trust if they consistently experience having their needs met for both. Then, they will see the world as a safe, predictable place. However, caregivers who do not mindfully meet their baby’s needs can engender feelings of fear, anxiety and mistrust. As a result, their baby may see people and the world as unpredictable and have difficulty with trust in general. Thus, it is fundamentally important to take care of your baby’s physical and emotional needs in order to build a secure attachment.

By accepting our children as much when they are feeling needy, as when they want more independence, we become their safe base.

As toddlers (18 months-3 years) begin to explore their world, they start to assert their preferences and discover that they can impact their environment. The main task is to balance autonomy vs. shame/doubt by establishing an independent will. Thus, creating authentic self-empowerment later in life. Also known as the “me do it” and meltdown stage, toddlers struggle to regulate their emotions. Especially when their desires are thwarted. Thus, narration is key for regulation and learning frustration tolerance. For example, you may see autonomy emerge when your 2-year-old wants to dress herself. Although you may need to narrow down appropriate selections, her ability to make choices affects her sense of independence. Because if they are denied these kinds of opportunities, toddlers may begin to doubt their abilities. And possibly develop a sense of shame. Mindfully scaffolding your toddler’s decision making process supports the successful resolution of this stage.

Parents Can Act Like Traffic Controllers Who Mindfully Set Limits But Allow Children To Explore Safely

Once children reach the preschool stage (ages 3–6 years), they are able to initiate activities and exercise control over their world through social interactions and play. In this stage, they must resolve the task of initiative vs. guilt to develop a mature sense of purpose. By learning to set goals and go after them in cooperation with others, preschool children can master this stage. In fact, taking initiative generates ambition and responsibility, when parents mindfully support the process of allowing a child to explore within safe limits. As a result, children will develop self-confidence and feel purposeful. However, their experience of initiative can miss the mark without enough parental guidance or by too much. When this happens, feelings of guilt may manifest.

Focus On Strengths To Wire Your Child’s Brain For Positivity And Self-Acceptance

During the school age stage (ages 6–12), children face the polarity of industry vs. inferiority. Achieving resolution of this stage leads to a sense of competency. As children begin to compare themselves with others, they start to evaluate how they “measure up.” The goal is for them to feel pride and accomplishment in their own schoolwork, social activities, hobbies and family life. This results in a basic feeling of adequacy, competency, and worthiness. However, if they feel that they don’t “measure up,” feelings of inadequacy, incompetency and unworthiness can take root. An inferiority complex might develop into adolescence and adulthood if a child struggles to get along with others or to feel competent at home or school during this stage. And we all know how painful the “compare & despair” game can be. However, we can teach our children to mindfully focus on their strengths and unique gifts.

“This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”
-Shakespeare

In adolescence (ages 12–20), there is a dilemma of identity vs. role confusion. Adolescents have the main task of developing a sense of self. As a result, they will explore questions such as “Who am I?” and “What do I want to do with my life?” Any try on different personas to see what fits. They are busy forming their beliefs, ideals and unique world perspective. In the early phase, puberty brings many bodily changes and inner/outer transformation. Later, choices around career and relationships come into play. For some, this is a confusing time, with themes of fitting into society or pleasing parents. If unresolved, it may lead to them “trying to find themselves” in adulthood. But parents who are mindfully supportive without projecting their expectations, provide an ideal base from which their adolescent can differentiate into an individual. Thus, allowing them to find resolution by being true to themselves.

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Categories: : Mindful Attachment Parenting